PEIXIN AND THEIR VISIONS

Originally written in Spring of 2023.

the chronology of peixin’s presence trainwise actually kicks off a short while prior to them even setting foot on fornax… because at the time, isel and freya were monitoring the fornax screens in autumn — which were used to keep track of passengers and would usually update the second someone got on the ‘transition cart’, more or less giving people a heads-up a week or so in advance to a new person arriving to the train. these two in particular were keeping an eye out for someone who could help with the early cassiopeia idea of contacting the scientists, for two vital reasons; first, they wanted to see if anything had changed in terms of fornax investigations back on earth since it had been like half a year since freya arrived; second, they needed a fresh arrival due to distrust of every other person on the train, whether arising out of fear of sabotage or simply finding others too incompetent. regardless they spend these few days basically hyping up this chance to one another, coming up with extensive plans and whatnot… they aimed to guard the winter exterior for hours and hours to ensure nobody else gets to this peixin person first, and when the day comes they do just that.

but the person who steps out onto the train is… very quickly decidedly not a good candidate for any kind of intricate plan because they almost immediately break down crying whilst trying to introduce themself. isel and freya kind of mutually agree to put their entire arc of persuasion to rest in the interest of calming them down, and they quickly set to explaining some basic properties of the train. this practice does soothe peixin somewhat, enough for them to explain that they came to the train because it was the only place in the world that matched the sight they experienced in their ‘visions’. freya is fascinated by this occurrence and does suspect some interdimensional trickery but keeps this to herself, not wanting to freak them out. instead she and isel assure peixin the train is stable and habitable, and freya offers to let them stay in her train room for a while.

in the meanwhile isel goes over to ulises’, wishing to get her opinion on things, but all he’s met with is demeter. they state that ulises is sleeping and they more or less try to chase isel out of the lab, though he’s stubborn and stresses the importance of this visit. 

for some backstory demeter has been kind of distrusting of new passengers for the past few years, having little sympathy for them and presuming them to be gormless — they’re kind of at the height of their animosity here and peixin’s visions in particular feel like a tall tale to them… they feel like peixin’s just distracting people from serious train business, and it’s a completely unfounded claim but it’s one they’re adamant about. conversely though isel is kind of willing to just randomly aid people to see how far they go, usually more out of curiosity than anything, but this magnetism to strangers can kind of backfire and make him very defensive of people with no good reason for it. in the end these two uhhh are very at odds, to put it nicely, and it takes a while for them to stop arguing. but isel ends up persuading them (or more accurately, bullying them into conceding) to reel out ulises.

within a few minutes she arrives, ready to converse with isel — she has similar sympathies to him and asks him to retrieve peixin and bring them here for some testing, as soon as possible. though they seem ornery about it demeter gets to preparing some detectors and whatnot, with resounding speed and efficiency. following the established caveat of isel being able to supervise the tests, which ulises agrees to, he leaves to get them.

back in freya’s room peixin’s been kind of just laying around, unable to properly sleep but still trying to get some rest. it takes some coercing to get them to their feet since they’re still in a kind of catatonic state, dealing with the shock of the train and the average stress of their visions… isel convinces them further by claiming ulises has a solution and will get them fixed up as soon as possible. in response peixin readily announces they feel ready to move, and are half-supported half-carried by isel the entire way there, with freya trailing behind and occasionally helping too.

truthfully ulises promised fucking nothing and isel was wholly hyperbolising for the sake of getting them moving and to get them to trust him. but peixin was indeed conscious enough to internalise this and was like, inching toward excitement about proper relief. this comes back later because it’s basically the first time peixin feels any hope toward getting out of their situation and them eventually learning it was a complete lie evidently made them more distrusting of anyone else trying to grant them solutions as well, and also it cements them into further despair. all fuel for their eventual decision to ally themself with mazin.

regardless. back to the chronology of the situation… the exact detailed nature of ulises’ experimentation and testing and how it worked isn’t really relevant and it’s very vague in my mind anyway. but huge thing was just ulises utilising multiple kinds of ‘magic detectors’ which yeah are basically scanners that detect magic and should signify the presence of applied spells and whatnot. peixin kept on tripping up various kinds of detectors whilst completely ‘passing’ certain other tests, leading ulises to guess that peixin had a spell placed on their body unknowingly or wore clothing containing code unknowingly. she basically just spent days altering minute parts of her diagnosis method, kind of barrelling peixin back and forth which… albeit done with good intentions and a genuine desire to help, the constant experiments did not help peixin’s natural hypochondria nor general anxiety. moreover, during them, ulises took extensive notes and spent time documenting some ‘useless’ trivial information about detectors and fornax in general, which made peixin feel like their vision problems were only secondary to ulises’ research and that they were being ‘used’ to advance it.

throughout this time peixin gets very little time to themself — whether being pestered by ulises, having isel overwhelm them with his copious attempts of ‘comforting’, demeter’s general distrust and coldness… overall they hardly feel welcome on the train and are just as confused and angry as they were when they arrived, though now they feel even more lost and have even less available avenues of help. thus they just coast along and hope that a solution can be found.

some more detection tests are done, and then ulises motions over into taking blood samples and studying individual cells in the hopes of finding something. she… doesn’t, not really. with this, ulises seems ready to give up, but isel feels remorseful for inspiring hope in peixin to no effect, and tries to quickly brainstorm some solutions. he finds quick clarity in a particular concept — that being contacting olzhas and utilising eir clairvoyance — though detests the idea of it and hesitates heavily in bringing it up. eventually deciding it’s worth gritting his teeth and bearing, isel suggests getting olzhas to read peixin’s mind while they’re experiencing a vision, with the assumption that it could give some clues to what the cause is or at least give an idea on how to reassure peixin. ulises wants to partake in this immediately, deciding it could be the key, and asks him to retrieve em at once. isel dreads this but decides to swallow down the bile, matching over to eir restaurant alone.

now this entire deal occurs basically at the height of isel and olzhas’ tension. basically just a little bit after the ‘they didn’t talk to one another for like 3 entire months’ thing and basically the only conversation they had prior to this ordeal was olzhas confirming the old favor of housing isel in italy for a while, if the train was ever to return to earth. though this gesture was done out of genuine care and isel did hold deep appreciation for it, there was still a lot of unresolved anger between these two and things were still very very awkward… isel wasn’t keen on making new demands of olzhas and kind of disliked the idea of having to crawl to em for help, but he felt even worse about lying to peixin about having a solution and hence wanted to set things right.

olzhas makes eir own distaste for isel’s demand visible extremely quickly, but the second e hears it involves someone else e practically sprints over to ulises’ lab. though e purposefully stayed out of train business and had no familiarity with peixin, e found isel’s lie (which he readily professed to) exceptionally grating… e was once again reminded of how isel’s vagueness lead to their breakup, and how it solidified isel’s “all talk” attitude in eir eyes… e didn’t want anyone else to get hurt as a result of his recklessness. so, perhaps in direct spite of eir grudge against him, e decided e wanted to help peixin.

upon olzhas’ arrival, ulises basically just tries to assure em that e has nothing serious to do and that she’ll take care of all the sensitive stuff, particularly stressing on peixin’s franticness and flimsy cooperation. olzhas waves this away and volunteers to meet them by emself, initially to just prove e doesn’t need supervision and support and blah blah e’s insisting because e’s insecure, but literally the second e locks eyes with peixin e’s glad e made that decision because e can just tell their time on the train’s been way too high-octane and stressful than it should’ve been. and again e mostly blames isel for it.

e sits emself by peixin’s bedside and spends some time just talking to them very slowly and gently… e’s the first to really consult them about random pleasant details of their life, which they gradually, tiredly, yet contentedly share. e’s also very plain and direct about how eir clairvoyance works, which assures peixin a lot especially in contrast to isel and ulises’ more “if we tell them what we think is wrong with them it’ll only freak them out more” approach. e even outright rectifies isel’s claims and states e doesn’t know if eir powers will help in any way… and though it briefly scares them, peixin appreciates eir honesty. overall they come to view olzhas as extremely powerful yet bulwarky, put at near-complete ease in eir presence.

after like an entire hour of talking peixin’s probably the most relaxed they’ve been in months. olzhas eventually slows the conversation and asks them specific questions about their visions — how often they happen, what exactly they see… peixin takes some time to go over everything but they’re confident and probably the most arranged they’ve been throughout this whole trial.

the main vision peixin has always starts off with the feeling of plunging or getting thrown into some kind of substance. the world is briefly dark until it all spontaneously relights into a frightening light show of what seem to be uneven multicolored mosaic tiles. variably they’ve heard a cacophony of noise, among those strange beeping sounds, windchimes, more abrasive ‘electronic’ sounds, thunder strikes… their own form is silhouetted black and shifting, warping like running ink on paper or wisps of smoke, but they’re sure it’s indeed themself who is dying. the dream always ends with tremendous jolts of pain flowing throughout their body, like electricity. 

they add that these visions occurred mostly overnight as dreams, but they’ve experienced brief hallucinations of similar noises and visuals whilst awake, and have even heard strange voices whisper their name. they attempt to describe these voices, but only vaguely, unsure if it’s even important. last of all they say these visions have been present for nearly an entire year, having become more vivid with time; the reason they came to the train was because the mosaic world in the vision seemed to match with descriptions they’d heard of fornax, and they decided that they had nothing left to lose.

olzhas lets them rest briefly. once they seem ready, e proposes doing a clairvoyance test both to let emself get used to peixin’s mind and to let them get used to their mind being read. they concur. unfortunately e’s incapable of getting a ‘hook’ into their mind, finding their thoughts too volatile. this is solidified once eir clairvoyance is momentarily shut off — this is a function built into the code to prevent intrusive mindreading of someone in distress. olzhas apologises and attempts again once e can, though it indeed gets shut off once more. e’s frank with peixin about their stress being too high to form a connection, but hypothesises that if they’re sleeping, this shouldn’t be a problem. e tells them to try and rest, and leaves the room for a bit to grant them some privacy.

during this e takes the chance to relay some information to ulises, particularly stressing on eir slow and precise approach and eir clairvoyance getting shut off. e accuses ulises and isel of having scared peixin more than anything else, which ulises herself doesn’t disagree with, though claims it seemed like the best approach, with her lacking a conclusive idea for the cause of their visions. regardless ulises asks olzhas if e needs assistance with anything, but e’s confident in moving forward by emself. e also asks ulises to eliminate isel from further involvement with the visions, claiming him to be doing more harm than good. ulises obliges. isel does too, relenting surprisingly easily… he’s well aware he’s kind of fucked everything up for peixin and so, freely vanishes.

olzhas shortly sets back to work. upon returning peixin is still awake, so olzhas proposes talking about random things as a way to exhaust them. they go through various topics for a few hours, among them an outlined explanation of how olzhas’ powers work, some discussion about the train and the people on it, more abstract concepts like art and music… eventually peixin does become exhausted enough to at least lie down and cease talking, wherein olzhas tries to briefly read their mind again. e manages to catch the simple feeling of fatigue and residual stress, which is still worrying, but this detection at all is a good sign.

peixin ends up drifting off into a sleep, and so these feelings turn into an imperceptible drone, and olzhas is once more negated from sensing their feelings. a few minutes later peixin awakens in a sweat, looking terrified, simply stating that “it happened again.” olzhas comforts them as they start to cry.

there’s no real reason to go over this in detail but effectively, peixin and olzhas continue to attempt a solid mindread for the next two days and nights in this arrangement. peixin grows more anxious as nothing comes to fruition, but olzhas refuses to give up on them. e mildly reports progressions back to ulises, most notably passing along peixin’s description of their dreams — ulises unfortunately finds some coincidence with the sounds they’d described and the properties of fornax; demeter notably corroborates the beeping and chimes. thus, there’s no doubt in her mind that the dream described the reality. olzhas mentions peixin not having known about fornax prior to this, and poses that the reality itself is reaching out to them. ulises is uncomfortable with this, but admits e may be right.

overall, during these sessions, there are practically no improvements to peixin’s condition, nor more deductions made by olzhas.

olzhas leaves on the third night while peixin is asleep, specifically after seeing them doze for a while, thus assured they themself had at least gotten a margin of a decent rest. e aims to catch up on sleep emself, having not slept whatsoever over the past three days, though e tells ulises e wants to keep trying with reading peixin’s mind and assures her e’ll be back in a day or two. upon having this information relayed to them, peixin’s paranoia gets the better of them and they assume it’s just a white lie. they confront ulises, practically begging her to be frank about their condition… the only estimate she feels comfortable voicing is that peixin has a high sensitivity to fornax and is receiving random ‘snapshots’ of reality, but adds that she can’t figure out a specific root for the sensitivity. peixin takes this answer badly, believing ulises to be hiding something, but they’ve grown tired of arguing at this point and decide to finally leave her lab for their own train room… more or less backing out of the ‘diagnosis’ tests. ulises tries to apologise, but they ignore all of her provocations fully and walk off.

peixin attempts to commune with some other passengers, though grows frustrated with them all since all they seem to care about is how ulises is doing and if the ‘experiments’ are going well. they start to grow resentful of both ulises and isel, the latter of whom they blame for such a westward introduction to the train… put plainly, they feel like if isel hadn’t been there first thing, and if they had avoided ulises for longer, their situation would’ve been taken much more seriously. now, they only regard themself as an epitome of ridicule and scrutiny. casting off all hope for help, they resign themself to their train room, which they purposefully sequester behind a confusing array of train apparati and manually-arranged labyrinthine corridors, specifically to cast off visitors and hide themself away.

olzhas eventually catches wind of peixin’s disappearance and grows extremely worried. e basically trawls through the whole train sending eir powers out in search of a signal and… after hours of searching, does indeed find peixin, brute forcing eir way through half their ‘maze’ and calling out for them. e immediately asks if ulises was unclear, professing e was serious about continuing to help, outright offering to do so at once, but… peixin refuses, calling em a fraud and claiming nobody could ever grasp the gravity of their visions. olzhas accepts their imposed distance and departs, though stresses e’s still willing to help. peixin again regards this cynically.

later on, privately, olzhas would have numerous incidents where e’d accidentally extend eir mind toward fornax whilst drunk. this lead to em gaining similar, milder visions of strange voices and shapes just commixing, though they immediately subsided once e shut eir clairvoyance down. e never presumed this had correlation with peixin’s visions though, until circa the evoker quest where e gets clearer visions of the fornax ghosts. here e briefly considers those visions to have contained a specifically tailored message for fornax residents, utilising metaphor, though e could discern no reason for the ambiguity and indirectness. e keeps these thoughts to emself, believing it to be em overthinking and making crude judgements.

to get back to peixin. some expansion on their train room’s interior — its equivalent to a shitty barebones hotel room with heavily cramped space and practically only the essentials… a small bed, dim lights, they can’t bear to give themself space. they have some secondary ‘hovels’ which are basically just large cavernous halls they sit around in, equivalent to sensory deprivation tanks, specifically built to limit the spread of fornax into their dreams and to relieve them of stress. this is also aided by the very location of their train room — in the midst of summer, the train district with the heaviest inner atmosphere (read: least susceptibility to fornax) and the fewest inter-room balconies and windows. residing here heavily dulls down the frequency of their visions and their vividness, though it’s not really a full eradication of them and they’re well aware of it.

in very early 2112, whilst falling asleep in the control room, they receive a particularly curious vision. they very clearly see the form of lanuola, and she attempts to get a message across. she manages to say she is of fornax and that peixin’s visions are sure to stop eventually, but before she can elaborate she starts to dissipate back into fornax and her voice becomes unclear. this dream then dissolves back into the classic backdrop of peixin’s visions, with the fornax sky above, and them reaching for the train with their outstretched hand.

upon awakening peixin views this as a wishful delusion arising out of sleep deprivation, and casts aside any potential hope lanuola aimed to inspire. if anything, the only thing they take away from it is that they’re intentionally being targeted by ghosts. since this message coincided somewhat with dalisay’s arrival, peixin manages to convince themself that sie somehow had something to do with it, and was trying to deceive them.

from here on out peixin basically fully adopts their in-story moult, leaving behind the shell of their anxiety by doubling down on their need for rescue and abandoning the wish for answers — they simply want to outlive their prophesied end and if that means enduring verbal derision from mazin or placing extreme demands on dalisay’s shoulders, or any other kind of odd deed, they’re willing to go through with it. though more trembly and fragile physically, at this point peixin’s repurposing their fear into energy to save themself and they’re significantly harsher and more direct with people than they were upon initial train entry, sometimes outright yelling or (attempting to) grab people and… generally being very very abrasive. this is extremely clear in conversations with dalisay, though as time goes on and as dalisay expresses a genuine want to help them, they start to feel remorse for evoking such a vicious veneer. they notably mellow out around hir, occasionally even volunteering to talk to mazin to take the brunt of his aggression away from hir… this is kind of exemplified during the control room journey where they’re mostly trying to protect said room from entry because they viewed mazin’s plan as their true last chance to save themself. and yet they relent and let the expedition team pass through because at this point they’ve kind of been worn down, realising they’ve spent the past few months digging a big hole for themself with absolutely no benefit arising. after accepting their defeat, and even more loosely accepting their own death cosmically, they dedicate their supposed “final action” to others as a loose apology.

an important thing to note with peixin is that uhh the general state of their visions and everything kind of clouds their sense of self, narratively speaking. they are very much defined by their stress and lossiness and because of that i find it unfair to really pass any blame onto them for helping mazin and whatnot because it was very much a situation of “they were pushed into a corner and in that corner was mazin and no one else”. in general the early ignorance of their wants and needs in favor of older train residents’ own agendas is a very vital detail that kind of presents the ruthlessness of the train’s social net, especially around 2111… a lot of the conflict in this situation arises from miscommunication and assumption and goes to show that nobody is really beyond having that ‘inner judge’ that grants them bias against people who’ve never wronged them or done actually egregious things. i feel it’s especially important with characters like isel who, over the course of the story, demonstrate an improved manner of interaction with people in vulnerable situations which overall shows a progression from past malmannerisms, or someone like demeter who on a surface level seems meek and simple, though has a complicated knotted past with the concept of justice in general and isn’t above pettily ignoring others in distress or just “letting things fly” very noncommittally.

i’d also like to say a lot of peixin’s flightyness and lack of clarity come from extremely bad coping mechanisms since… they’re extremely young and the visions tore up a pretty foundational part of eir maturing years. between various ignored mental ailments, psychotic symptoms, occasional indulgence in perhaps excessive amounts of various drugs, general hypochondria and anxiety that made seeking care stressful… for a long period of time they even refused to accept the reality of their visions, blaming them on the aforementioned causes. even months later, they’ve struggled to explain their visions to others out of shame and lack of certainty due to frequent derealisation episodes. further isolation following those bad first responses to their condition also drove them deeper into the spiral.